Untruths

According to the character, Gregory House, on the show, House, MD, there are three kinds of lies:

1. White Lies – what we tell others to make them feel better.
2. Rationalizations – what we tell ourselves to make us feel better.
3. Lie of Omission – what we leave out to hide the truth.

He also says that if you don’t know how to lie, you don’t know you’re being lied to. I jotted all of this down as I watched the show, because the idea of lying fascinates me. Apparently, it fascinates House as well, because he is constantly coming up against his core belief –that everyone lies — with his patients. In fact, it is his patient’s lies of omission, which create much of the tension of the show. House’s well developed gut instinct and bloodhound capabilities, allows him to catch his patients in the act of lying, and doing so is often the only way he can save them.

This leads me to question our need to lie. Lying seems to be a self-protection mechanism learned at a very early age through observation and trial and error. As children, we discover how lying can serve as a tool to avoid consequences, to manipulate situations and people, and to avoid being uncomfortable. It also works well in tandem with negotiation and sales. The phrase stretching the truth comes to mind. When does stretching become boldface lying?

Lying is habitual. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. Lies also breed other lies. They multiply until it becomes difficult to sort through the layers and keep the stories straight, especially if told in collusion with someone else.

Years ago, in a communication workshop I took, we were told that there was a ripple effect around lies of omission, because for each bit of truth withheld, there were other bits of truth related to it that could not be spoken about, for fear of revealing the original lie. It takes a lot of energy to protect a lie, requiring lots of eggshell walking to avoid speaking about it. Is it any surprise that when we communicate, we are tripping over our own feet?

The fear of ridicule, rejection, abandonment, or having to witness another’s pain are all major motivators that prompt us to lie. Over time, most of us have learned painful lessons around telling the truth, often convincing ourselves that others don’t really want to know the truth anyway. So we create ways to soften the blow or avoid the conversation entirely, skating along the surface of superficiality instead.

What is the cost of all this lying? A culture of poor communicators, wreaking havoc on all of our relationships. A society of people who are evasive, indirect, and passively engaged. Masses of people complaining of feeling depressed, disconnected, lonely, and hopeless.

Our lies have alienated us from our deepest desire: to love and be loved, to feel as though we belong and are a part of a community.

How do we unlearn this tendency to lie? The obvious place to begin, of course, is by being honest with ourselves. Once you establish a sense of trust in yourself, it is easier to trust others. Then from there, common sense would tell us to put more attention on the relationships our lives that support us to be ourselves and limit the time we spend with people and circumstances that want us to be someone we’re not.

Beyond that, we can always take more risks. Speak your truth and be willing to accept the consequences. You might find it far easier than you think. Who knows? Perhaps once you give yourself permission to put down the lies, maybe people around you will be inspired to do the same, as will the people around them and so on…maybe we’ll even start a trend.